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Why The Shoes In Your Closet Are A Lot Like The Men In Your Life

“Yeah look at you, boy, I invented you. Your Gucci tennis shoes-running from your ~issues~….” -Ariana Grande

One of the worst parts about college for me was that I never had enough fucking closet space to store all my shoes. I guess I should be more thankful that I didn’t have, and continually do not have any real problems in my life, but considering I’m basically perfect, I obviously had to find some sort of flaw in the system somewhere.

The best piece of advice my mother has ever given me is that you can always judge a person by the shoes they wear. If you don’t believe me, the next time your roommate, your sister, or your friend’s scummy ass boyfriend comes to pick her up check out his kicks. Dirty? Worn out? Ugly? Small? He probably is too. And although I could go on and on about how to find your sole-mate via shoe scoping, that is not what this article is about. Yes, we’re talking guys, but what if I told you that your shoe life, and your “love” life, both have a lot more in common than you think?

The shoe of choice
On a typical Thursday night, you could have found every member of my friend group in my college town’s most popular bar, usually wearing someone else’s body suit, a pair of overpriced jeans, and their shoe of choice. We alllll know ~the shoe of choice~. Let’s be honest, Thursday night is girls night. It’s the end of the week hurrah that you all lasted a full Sunday-Thursday without killing someone, without being sent to jail, and without flunking out yet. It’s the going out day of the week where you dress up to socialize, not to fraternize (emphasis on the frat). Long story short, you’re comfortable and you want to be able to stand at high top tables and toss back shitty watered-down vodka sodas without your feet literally screaming at you for your horrible choices. So, you’re probably wondering, what the fuck does this have to do with guys? Relax, we’re getting there you impatient barbarian. Your shoe of choice metaphorically is your steady hook up, it’s the guy you can booty call at 2 am when you’re bloated and eating Taco Bell in your bed – and honestly just horny. Your shoe of choice is the guy who you sit next to in class, forming normal sentences about Biostats together despite having seen each other naked literally more times than you can count. Your shoe of choice is your go to, your comfort zone, and frankly, your easy way in (yeah I said in)- fits like a glove.

The occasion shoe
Let’s talk about formal attire. In my sorority days, if you asked a guy to formal and didn’t contemplate what the instagram picture was going to look like, you were either lying or had really low standards lol (sorry homegirl). Formal date goals for those single ladies out there are usually the frat guy of the century who every guy loves to hate, and every girl loves to fuck. But don’t get too excited, because this guy is the ~occasion shoe~. The occasion shoe is your strappiest, skinniest heel. You know, that one you bought off that sketchy Chinese website that Bank of America literally flagged your account for? (But hey, they look cute aimrite.) This is that shoe that will rot in your closet for years to come and probably end up on the shelves of some resale shop when you tap out your bank account yet again. This is the shoe that will leave you questioning your impulsive nature but at the same time praising yourself for taking those kinds of risks as an idiotic 20-something year-old. Your occasion guy isn’t the guy you want to spend every weekend with, or really any week day either (yuck, personal space). Occasion guy is the one who is in it for the gram likes, the clout, and the ~experience~ and tbh, so are you. Long story short, occasion guy makes your feet hurt- he looks realllll good from far away, but man, up close… occasion guy has the personality of my foot and a brain the size of my big toe (I wear a 6 and a half if you were fucking wondering). Long story short, Tnks fr the memries occasion shoe, and thanks for the blisters (and loss of brain cells-sad!!)!

The leisure shoe
This is the shoe you grab for the gym and probably walking to class. When you added this shoe to your collection, it wasn’t so much that you HAD to have them, but you kinda needed them. This is the guy you use when you skipped class again and really need the notes This is the guy who will always like your most recent insta pic and will comment back to your fishing snapchat stories. Basically, this guy in your life is the member of the opposite sex, that you use for everything opposite of sex. Just like your Nikes, this guy has the potential to be cute, but your situational uses for him are strictly that, situational. Thanks, leisurely shoe guy, you stroke our egos just as much as you probably sit home alone and stroke your-nevermind. #FriendZoned

So regardless of what lies in your closet, in your bed, or in your life, if the shoe fits sweetheart, wear it loud, wear it proud, and neva eva eva trip over anything behind you.


Carlie Bradshaw

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