“You don’t wanna leave me, but I’m tryna self-discover. Keep me in your orbit and you know you’ll drag me under” – Ariana Grande
‘Are you happy?’
We’re asked this question quite a lot in our lifetime.
What’s funny is that we tend to get asked this question during all the big transitions and all the times in our lives that obviously evoke joy— job offers, graduations, holidays, new relationships. But what about every other mundane day in our lives where the question ‘are you happy?’ really matters?
Well… are you?
The most important thing I think I’ve ever learned about myself was when I realized that for a big chunk of my life, I lived for the big obvious happy times. I would turn down fun outings until the weekend because I “had too much on my plate”, I would change outfits before going out because it “wasn’t the right night yet”, I unpacked bathing suits from suitcases because I wanted to wait “ten pounds from now” and the worst of all, I waited around for someone else to love me, so I could love myself.
Just to foreshadow a little, I still regret those nights I “had too much homework”, I don’t think I ever found the “right night” for that stupid outfit, that bathing suit went out of style before I ever had the chance to wear it in public, and it turns out that even in the midst of someone loving me, I not only did I end up hating myself, I lost myself.
I accredit my father to my obsession for Queen at the ripe age of 7, but I accredit my obsession with my favorite movie Bohemian Rhapsody to a line in the film that resonates with me. If you have zero idea what I’m talking about then, first of all, fuck you. Second of all, please go download literally ANY Queen song on Apple Music or use Google and drink some holy water or something… and third of all, truly the point I’m trying to make requires zero prior knowledge since I’m going to explain it so hold your fucking horses.
There’s a scene in this movie where Freddie Mercury (the lead singer of Queen if you’re still uneducated) tries hitting on this guy Jim, and after hours of talking, Freddie tells him that he likes him. Long story short, instead of being a whore, Jim gets up, he looks at Freddie and he says. “I like you too Freddie. Come and find me when you decide to like yourself.” Up until about the 45th time I’ve watched this movie, I always hated this scene. Of the last twenty times, I’ve had a change of feelings.
It was true.
Maybe we all have a little Freddie Mercury in us; maybe we are all guilty of trying to fill the holes in our hearts with love from other people, intoxicated off the idea that another person in this world is what we need to fix our brokenness. And maybe we all need someone like Jim remind us that there is no sense in loving anyone before we love who we are first.
I’ve wasted a lot of time in my years giving all of my heart to people that didn’t know what to do with it, probably because I didn’t know what to do with it myself. This my friends is called accepting the love we think we deserve because that’s what happens when you don’t fully love the person you are – you spend your whole life wasting time expecting people to love you any more than you love yourself.
It’s okay to choose yourself over them. It’s okay to let go of someone that no longer serves you. It’s okay to want 100% from someone who is only giving you 80%. It’s okay to want to do better; to be better, to grow up and to grow out of people; to write your own story, to cast different people as different roles, and to find joy instead of hoping for it. And it’s okay that I haven’t said anyone in your life’s name in this entire post, but while you read this, one specific person came to mind.
So, to whoever is reading this: whoever it was that came to mind: read the title of this post oneeeee more time my gal.