Hello upper east siders.
If we’re being completely honest, I avoided this blog, the instagram account that promotes it, and talking about Sex & The Suburbs at all costs because I honestly lost a big creative streak recently and everything I wrote sounded like absolute garbage. Like honestly, the way I thought about writing an entry on this fucking website is how I used to feel about homework that I would wait to turn in at the end of the semester only to beg for half credit considering whatever trash I was turning in was half plagiarized and half repeating everything I just plagiarized lmfao.
Basically, this shit was a chore in my mind, and frankly, I was not about to put out some bullshitted mess just to keep up with my ‘weekly schedule’. Not a half ass girl, even when it comes to my vulgar blog. Now that I’m feelin’ a little funnier (and because I realized I pay way too much money to keep this domain) let’s cross our fingers that I can just be a normal functioning member of society and commit to something for once. LOL.
Kk. Enough of my excuses for being a lazy piece of shit. Let’s get into the post so you can all read it out loud to your hometown friends while you are home for thanksgiving at your shitty local bar and they can become a part of the suburbs too ;).
A few weeks ago, I put out a little post to find out some of your best and worst dating stories. To be completely honest, I didn’t realize what absolute freaks you people are, and that there are actually lives out there that are bigger shit shows than my own.
It’s only fitting that if I share all of your stories, I should probably share my own. Out of all my horrendous experiences involving dating and hookups there is one that comes to mind before anything else not because it was so outrageous, but because I am seriously concerned that this man thinks I kill people for fun. Let’s start out with a date I went on a few summers ago.
If this guy reads this blog, he is most DEFFFFFINNNIITTTELLLYYYYYYY going to know it’s him. He has a super-hot girlfriend now who I’m actually kind of friends with LMFAOOOOO so if you or your hot girlfriend are reading this- I’m not sorry we didn’t work out, because you seem super happy, but you were super gorgeous though lol.
No offense to this guy because he was SUPER nice, but like he took me to fucking Chili’s for our first date and I think I knew in that moment that I was going to be taking a long break from men like forever until I found someone who thought I was worth more than fucking Chili’s. Whatever. After dinner we went to a movie which I was half relieved about because I accidentally got super addied out before the date and was being awkward as absolute shit. On our way to this movie we passed by a field that had kind of a wooded area. If you are from Michigan and you can’t picture what I’m talking about then I really don’t know what to tell you, but whatever. So instead of my dumb ass, head ass, addied out stupid ass, just SHUTTING THE FUCK UP, what do I say?
Clear as day I legit look out the window at this wooded area and declare the following statement: “Wow, that looks like a perfect place for a murder.”
As soon as I said it, it dawned on me how much me and this kid legit didn’t know each other and he had no idea what kind of twisted dark humor I had going on in my head. He stared at me with the most bizarre look (which was totally socially acceptable for what asinine thing just came out of my mouth) and he was like “what….?” In which I replied: “what….?”
Long story short, that was our last date.
To be honest that was one of the last times I ever saw him lmfao.
So, to murder scene movie Chili’s boy, I am so fucking sorry. But I really hope you’re not still taking people to Chili’s. Be better. Lmfao.
Considering that’s the only PG-13 story I can really share on the internet without the fear of ever keeping employment let’s move on to the insane shit you all sent my way a few weeks ago.
For sake of your reputations I have left all entries anonymous. Thank you to all who submitted stories, and if yours didn’t get posted this time, don’t worry, we will have a lot more posts like this when I’m too lazy to think of more shit to write.
Without further ado, here are just a few of my favorite dating horror stories of the suburbs:
“When the date I was on was so foreign I didn’t understand anything, and I had to just say ‘yeah’, and fake laugh the whole time because he was hot”
“So, it was my freshman year of college and I was super into this guy. One night we were finally about to fuck, and I was like ‘okay let’s get it popping I’ve been waiting since nam for this!’ So anyways, I was like kinda drunk but not to the point where I couldn’t consent, but I just remember having to pee so bad, but I didn’t want to kill the mood, so I figured I’d just hold it. Rookie mistake. So eventually we get it going and I’m like ‘damn I think I’m gonna cum’ and then all of a sudden, my feeling of having to pee went away so I thought it was just me overthinking it and I didn’t give it much thought. Fast forward to when we were done…. He gets up and he’s like ‘why is there a huge wet spot’ like he thought I squirted but I’m 99.9% sure that I peed the bed in the act of sex and I just played it off.”
“Mid hookup I accidentally pulled this guy’s insulin thing off his back. Lmfao.”
“I sent an email to my boss during sex because it was that boring.”
“I got fingered and he cut me open and I profusely bled out on his bed. Trim your fingernails boys.”
“Was hooking up with a guy several times then when SOBER he couldn’t get hard?! He did eventually two sober hangouts later. Viagra?”
“I woke up drenched in his pee after hooking up and had to walk through the frat house to find my friends afterwards.”
“One time I was hooking up with a guy and woke up with a beard burn. It was also during sorority recruitment season.”
“One time I brought a guy back to my sorority house. He started getting in the shower, so I of course do as well. Turns out he did not want to hook up he only wanted to shower saying ‘uh where’s the soap?’ So, I ran away naked and afraid.”
“This guy spent our entire first date telling me about the girl he slept with the night before.”
“My Ex-Boyfriend thought being kinky meant choking me and then spitting a loogy into my mouth.”
“One time I dated a guy who turned out to be both uncircumcised, and gay.”
“I was hooking up with a guy around March in college. Mid hook up he told me to ‘not cock block him on spring break’. Lol.”
“I hooked up with a guy and stayed the night at his apartment. It wasn’t at my college, so I didn’t know how to find the parking garage. When I had to leave in the morning, I woke up expecting to at least get walked out. He goes ‘why are you waking me up lol’ and I was like ‘I don’t know how to get to the parking garage.’ Long story short he didn’t walk me out but then bragged about hooking up with me for weeks. Boy BYE.”
“One time I fucked my Ex’s boss when I was 18. The guy was 45 at the time with a 13-year-old daughter but she wasn’t home, so it was okay. He also wasn’t married just FYI. I forgot to tell my friend I was pretending to sleep at her place as an alibi to my mom. My sister tried coming over to my friend’s house to hang out with the two of us, but my friend was like ‘I haven’t seen ____ in a week?’ My family thought I got kidnapped or murdered on the way to my friend’s house, so they called the cops and spent the night searching for me. Meanwhile I’m in a grown ass mans bed sound asleep naked as fuck. They still haven’t found out.”
And now that this site has now gone from PG-13 to X in a matter of weeks, let me know in the comments what story was your favorite.
All sex stories and excuses for not posting on here aside, I hope you all had a very happy thanksgiving. I am truly so blessed and thankful for all the support you have all given this website since I started it. Thank you for letting me have a voice somewhere else than just annoying all my group chats and bugging the shit out of my parents hahahaha.
Until next week, and the week after that, and for god sake HOPEFULLY the week after that,
Stay blonde. And stay better than everyone.