Alright ladies and gentlemen,
This is a good one.
Three months ago, I decided I was going to conduct my own fucked up experiment through downloading the popular dating app: Hinge.
With no real plans of where this weird experiment was going to lead me, I made a profile and purchased a three month ‘premium subscription’ to get the full effect of what every horny 20 something experiences on these websites. Also shout out to my dad who has no idea that I used our Apple account to purchase this subscription so… Sorry lol.
I’ll be honest, I’ll tell you right off the bat that I’m not a huge fan of the dating apps. The talent on these sites are lacking, and everyone tries way too fucking hard to be ~different~ than everyone else. Like, I’m sorry but your profile photo of you in Panama City for your high school senior spring break 6 years ago and your constant mention of loving Margs and tacos is not getting you laid. Grow up.
Aside from my extreme bias opinion, I would say that if you WERE to download a dating app and use it for serious purposes, Hinge is the most respected in my eyes. That is, once you get past your Ex’s friends, people from high school, old hook ups from college, and the straight up uggggggly people.
Right off the bat, I can tell you majority of the men on this app are socially awkward and have zero game; but my vague descriptions are not going to do this entire experiment I conducted justice. Honestly, I had full intention to actually go on at least ONE date to dig up some interesting content for this post, I really did. Let me tell you, in the three months I’ve had this app I can tell you that half way into day two I realized I would rather light myself on fire and rot in my house than ever sit at a table across from any of hundreds of men that flooded my inbox. Yeah I said hundreds tell your damn friends.
So, to make your Wednesday suck less, I’m gonna tell you a little story about the my fave interaction I’ve had since September. Out of respect and avoidance of public slander I’ll spare this bucko his reputation and refrain from using their real name or photos but god DAMN I wish I could.
Anyway.
The interaction I would like to touch on is actually now a regular conversation topic amongst me and my guy friends on how to NEVER try and pick up a girl. Lmao. So, this guy had liked one of my photos on the app or something and he was hot— I’ll give him that much. So, I ~matched~ with him. We conversed for a little, but he must have caught a vibe that he was losing my interest (which is probably half true and also half because I don’t have push notifications turned on my phone and probably kept forgetting to answer) so he asked for my number. Just a side note, I am not a girl who loves to text casually. It brings me back to AIM days of:
“what’s up”
“nmu”
“nm”
“cool”
“who do you like”
Like come on. If you find personal pleasure in conversations like that, I wish you the best in your Vanilla type life; also have fun in the missionary position forever you boring sack of shit.
I’m digressing… Anyway. So, I gave this fucker my number despite my hesitation to which I saved his number as “Dude 1” in my phone lol. We texted for a week or so and by like day 3 this fckin’ weirdo goes “I have a question.” To which I obviously ask “what?” He asks me and I QUOTE “Would you want to meet in person soon?” ……
….
Okay. There is a lot wrong with this situation, ONE being that the way that question was phrased throws up some HUGE 45-year-old pedophile vibes but what do I know. TWO… like I don’t even know. “No bucko I’m strictly a non-verbal communicator.” (?) Like what?? Why the fuck would we be talking?
I entertained this stupid question and said yes and I’m SO glad I did because it makes this situation TEN times more cringeworthy. So, this guy proceeds to ask me what my ideal first date would be.
–Just a little digression for a minute yet again: I’ve asked multiple of my guy friends what they would answer this question with to which almost all of them said “uhhh idk dinner lol.” K. So same. Right? I would assume most normal human beings would also select this answer.
I tell this guy that my ideal first date would be dinner. Easy way to get to know someone, talk, chat, whatever. For those of you who don’t know me personally let me also just say that I am by no means high maintenance when it comes to this kind of shit (as long as you aren’t bringing me to god damn Chili’s).
Apparently, this fucking creep was not having that answer because he then goes “Oh… that’s a little formal don’t you think?” -Okay so I was not born yesterday and I’m not fuckin’ stupid, I know that many people use dating apps to fuck and move on but like this kid also said date, not meet up, not hangout, not sex position, pansy boy said: D A T E.
So, at this point I’m intrigued as all hell considering I really, really wanna know what he considers a worthy first date. He then says and I quote “I think it would be chill to go out and get drunk with your friends or mine.” …. I have lost complete faith in humanity if this is what the general public thinks a date is. I am sorry, but what?
This conversation gets worse. Lmfao.
At one point he makes some attempt at being slick and says something like “oh you should totally come visit me one weekend.” This is also probably the fourth conversation we’ve had, reminder I don’t even know this dude a WEEK, as if I would totally hop in my car and drive two hours away to visit some man-child I barely know? So, like the true absolute asshole that I am I replied, “I do not travel for men, men travel for me.” To my surprise I have not lost my touch because this whipped ass hoe AGREED and then BEGGED to come visit me.
Haven’t replied since. LMAO
To conclude my experiment, I would like to say that I will not be extending my subscription to Hinge. Also, to those of you who use dating profiles for serious matters, please don’t be weird as fuck like the man in the story above.
Until Friday,
Stay blonde, stay better, and stay unhinged 😉
xoxo,
Carlie Bradshaw
Sex & The Suburbs 