The “Holy Shit Valentine’s Day Is This Week” Gift Guide: What To Get Yo Girl So She Doesn’t Dump You

The week of Valentine’s day can get kind of fucking stressful for the men of the world for a plethora of reasons. For some, you have less than a few days to create some sort of problem, argument, or fight to avoid having to celebrate the 14^th of February with the person you’ve been hooking up with. For others, it’s even MORE stressful because some have less than a few days to create some sort of problem, argument, or fight that will allow them to avoid celebrating the 14^th of February with the person they’ve been hooking up with—BUT…. nothing too insane so they can still have make-up sex by the 16^th. Unfortunately, I will not be providing any insight on how to ditch your shitty hook ups this holiday season, but instead, let’s talk Valentine’s day gifts for all 17 of your girlfriends.

Gifts for the girl you’ve been fucking since January and sort of kind of like:

This one gets interesting; god knows you didn’t expect to be stuck in some limbo-type relationship in the past month or so, right before the dreaded February holiday, and it’s tough because you’re kinda too far gone to cut that shit off a few days before the 14^th without looking like a total D-bag, but also not far along enough to get some full blown gift goin’ without looking like a pansy-ass obsessive bitch.

Just a little news flash for you, it’s super attractive when a guy actually makes plans. I cannot fucking stand when a guy wants to hangout but then expects for us girls to be the ones to pick a place to go, pick the time, pick the day- like stop… it’s a huge turn off and kinda makes us not even want to follow through with the date lol. A good middle ground for this little limbo relationship stage is inviting yo girl to go get drinks with you. You don’t need to do something extravagant, it’s really not that serious- but making some sort of plan on Valentine’s day with the girl you’ve been hanging out with for a sec can give you major brownie points.  

Gifts for the girl you want to be your girlfriend:

This one is a little easier because you’ve been “A tHiNg” for a minute now. You both know how you feel about each other, you just haven’t put that scary label on it which can kind of make V-Day a big elephant in the room, but it doesn’t have to be!

So, let’s keep it simple.

The easiest, most simple way to look like you made some kind of effort in my opinion is picking up some flowers from the damn grocery store. Without fail, my father gets my mom flowers every Sunday as it is, and she STILL gets excited about it- it’s the little things. But let’s get something straight here before you go off and fuck this one up. Do not- I repeat do NOT get some sketchy bouquet that includes ANY kind of carnations. If you EVER purchase flowers for a woman you best believe those bitches should be just about anything other than carnations. Stick with roses, they’re classic, they’re easy, and they scream “I slightly have taste.”

Also- stay away from Lily’s- funeral flowers really kill the mood. You’re welcome.

Like I said earlier, you guys know how you feel about each other, so unlike the “we just fuckin’” phase, you can actually plan a real date without being too forward. Make reservations- don’t be that guy that doesn’t- or have fun at Applebee’s. Make a reservation somewhere semi-nice and bring the flowers lmfao. If you’re feeling lazy, you can use an app like Open Table and actually make your reservation online without having to call around like a frantic weirdo (see look I even provided the link you lazy fuck). I’ll let you in on a little secret here- girls appreciate effort- your efforts don’t need to include super expensive shit all the time, sometimes all we’re looking for is for you to at least allude to the fact that you care.

Simple. As. That.

Gifts for the new girlfriend:

To be honest, this one is probably the easiest gift to buy. If this is your first or even second Valentine’s day together, you don’t really have much to top thus far in terms of gift giving, so the world is really your oyster. I provided some shit below of cool things that I personally think are appropriate to buy your girlfriend for Valentine’s day.

Infinity Roses:

This is cool because it’s a different twist on the whole “flowers on Valentine’s day thing.” Plus- your girlfriend will be impressed af that you even know what this is. There are a couple websites that carry these kinds of flowers but Venus Le Fleur is my favorite- usually free shipping, pretty affordable, and it smells fucking amazing. If you still have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about- this type of rose is somehow coated in some shit that makes it say alive for a whole year (so like hopefully your relationship does or this shit is about to be awkwardddd). They come in a shit load of colors and sizes, and they are cute as hell, so go wild.

Venus Le Fleur ‘Le Mini’ (Round) – $39: VenusLeFleur’s Site

Personalized gifts:

Take this one how you will. Every girl loves personalized shit whether it be something surrounding your relationship (the day you started dating, coordinates to the place you first met, etc.), their initials, their name, your name, whatever. The type of necklace I linked below is super in right now, but if you’re not about that- all etsy shops are SUPER affordable no matter what kind of personalized gift your thinking of (sterling silver keychains, embossed wine glasses, picture frames, jewelry, etc.)

Etsy Custom Letter Necklace – $40: Etsy’s Site

Etsy Custom Keychains – $14: Esty’s site

Shoes:

I am a HUGE shoe girl, and I don’t know why but getting gifted a pair of shoes always makes me think of the person who bought them for me when I wear them. A pair of tenniezzz or street shoes that she’ll wear regularly is a perfect idea so she’ll think twice about cheating on you when she’s about to take her kicks off at her side hoes house (LMFAO I’M KIDDING).

Nike Air Force 1 Sage Low (Barely Rose)- $100: Nike Site

Gifts for the long-term girlfriend:

This in my opinion is where it gets tricky because you know each other so damn well, sometimes almost too well, that gift giving can get hard. It’s almost the question of “what the fuck do I get her now? I feel like I’ve pulled out all my best moves at this point.” Here are a couple ideas for the girl who has everything, the girl who you feel like you’ve bought everything for, or the girl who is really hard to shop for lol.

Perfume:

If there is anything I hate spending my money on- it’s my damn overpriced perfume. Every year I gotta cough up the credit and re-purchase the same damn bottle of perfume I buy every 365 days. Pay attention- if your girlfriend is a perfume lover like me and has a signature scent, see if she’s running low on her bottle and hook her up with a refill. I’ve linked my signature scent (and some other Sex and The Suburbs approved scents) to buy for V-day below.

Chanel Chance 5oz. – $115: Chanel Site (If you want your girlfriend to smell like me. You’ll love it too I swear- ask all my ex-boyfriends lol)

Mugler Alien 3 oz. – $170: Mugler Site

Glossier You 1.7 oz. – $60: Glossier Site (This one brings out natural pheromones (aka your girl’s natural scent) it’s fantastic)

Specifically, This Candle:

Candles are a good gift don’t get me wrong, but if you’ve been dating for a while and you slap together some candle/lotion combo from Bath and Body works, you need to do better. Louis Vuitton just came out with some SLAPPIN’ candles and they smell orgasmic. This alone would be a perfect gift for your hunny (btw if anyone reading this wanted to get me this for any particular reason at all dm me for my address because FUCK lol).

Louis Vuitton Feuilles D’or Fragrance Candle – $185: Louis Vuitton Site

Purses:

Okay if you feel like balling out, get your woman a new bag. I for one am a certified purse whore, and physically cannot enter any mall through any anchor department store because I get hot and bothered around any type of leather good. I’ve linked a few options below from a few different price points. Go wild.

Gucci GG Marmont Matelassé Mini Bag- $980: Gucci Site

Tory Burch Robinson Convertible Mini Shoulder Bag- $298: Tory Burch Site

Michael Kors Delancey Medium Leather Canteen Crossbody Bag- $228: Michael Kors Site

Gifts for the “we’ve been celebrating this shitty holiday for too many years and we’re both over it” girlfriend:

At this point in your relationship, the stress of Valentine’s day has diminished, the excitement is replaced with comfortability, and the expectations are gone (and in the best way). For all my lovebirds out there, who are over this stupid-ass holiday, take V-Day to literally spend time with each other. Order take out and avoid the hustle and nonsense of busy restaurants and set menus, turn on that Netflix movie that you guys keep falling asleep during the opening credits, and pop open your favorite wine and call it good. Personally, this is all I’ve ever wanted for Valentine’s day and I’m gonna take a shot in the dark here any say that I’m not alone.

At the end of the day, don’t stress out too much about February 14^th, as a girl, I can say it really doesn’t matter as much as people make it out to be, and remember, your intentions, and your thought is what really counts!

Good luck.

And for the love of god please get laid this gift guide took way too fucking long to make.

xoxo,

Carlie Bradshaw